The Soundtrack

Grief is a weird thing.  I could go into a long and somewhat whiny description of it.  But frankly, I don't want to.  Anyway.  You know what it's like.  You're human.  You've been there.

So I give to you instead...

THE SOUNDTRACK

I saw your sky fall down today.  I wish there was something I could do...  It's like you're drowning right in front of me, and I'm reaching out, but you can't see.  There's something holding on to you so tight... So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight--if you ever need me, you know where to find me.  I will be waiting right where I've always been. 

When the strength you need is the strength you lack, when you're in a crowd but all alone, when you can't stay here but you can't go home, when you can't answer all the whys 'cause you're too tired to reach that high, I want you to remember, I'm where I've always been.

***

I could lose my heart tonight if you don't turn and walk away, because the way I feel right now, I could lose control and let you stay.  I could take you in my arms and never let you go.

I know it's not right, and I guess I should try to do what I should do... I should keep this to myself and never let you know, but I could fall in love with you.

***

And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow.  You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now.  And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life.  Though sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight.  And I don't want the whole world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.  When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

***

Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight.  I need help believing you're with me tonight.  My wildest dreamings could not foresee standing beside you with you wanting me.  And just for this moment, as long as you're mine, I've lost all resistance and crossed some borderline.  And if it turns out it's over too fast, I'll make every last moment last--as long as you're mine.

Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise. But you've got me seeing through different eyes.  Somehow I've fallen under your spell, and somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell.  They say there's no future for us as a pair, and though I may know, I don't care--just for this moment, as long as you're mine.

***

Look into my eyes and you will see what you mean to me.  Search your heart, search your soul, and when you find me there, you'll search no more.  Don't tell me it's not worth trying for.  You can't tell me it's not worth dying for.

Look into your heart and you will find nothing there to hide.  Take me as I am.  Take my life.  I would give it up, I would sacrifice.  Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for.  I can't help it, there's nothing I want more.  Everything I do, I do it for you.

***

"Show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream, the one that makes me laugh," she said, and threw her arms around my neck. "Show me how you do it, and I promise you I'll promise that I'll run away with you." 

Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face, I kissed her hair, and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow.  "Why are you so far away?" she said, "Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?"

You, soft and only, you, lost and lonely. You, strange as angels dancing in the deepest ocean, twisting in the water, you're just like a dream... just like in a dream...

Daylight licked me into shape.  I must've been asleep for days.  And moving lips to breathe her name, I opened up my eyes and found myself alone, alone above the raging sea that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me.

***

I was on your porch.  The smoke sank into my skin, so I came inside to be with you.  We talked all night about everything you could imagine, cause come the morning I'll be gone.  And as our eyes start to close, I turn to you and I let you know that I love you.

***

No more weary, teary eyes.  Just sunny skies.  Never have I felt so alone, but my, how I've grown.  Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.  Maybe if it's just You and me we'll never even miss a piece, maybe...  Captured by Your love, I'm such a fool, a fool for You.  When You laid Your hand upon my heart, You tore my world apart.  So many times I've prayed to hear You speak my name...but though I've never seen Your face, I search for You everyday.  Come what will and come what may, I know Your love, it will remain through the joy and through all the pain. 

Take me away!  All that I want is You...

And there you have it.  The soundtrack for the last week of my life.  And before you get squirrelly about the feminine pronouns, remember: this is a soundtrack.  It uses different viewpoints.  Not just mine.  And yeah, adding "Just Like Heaven" was arrogant of me.  I know.

Oh, wow.  This is my first entry in... **counts on fingers** ...FIVE MONTHS!  Where has the time gone?!  Crazy talk, I tell you, crazy talk.

So today I was contemplating the universe and trying to figure out how to decrappify my spiritual life.  It took a while, but I came up with some stuff.  A few pages, actually. 

One of the questions I asked myself during my marathon brainstorm was, "Why do I want to do all this stuff (to decrappify my spiritual life)?"  I thought of several things and I figured I'd share them.  Why not, after all?  I'm sure there's somebody out there who's just DYING to know the details of my daily struggles and attempts to climb out of my personal quagmire.  Or, more likely, some passerby will see this entry and think, "Hmm.  That's interesting," before moving on to other things.

Either way.

*Disclaimer: This has been minimally edited for style and such.  If it offends your aesthetic sensibilities, I apologize in advance.  Also, it was written as something of a letter to God, so "You" is, of course, the addressee of the letter.

Why do I want to get closer to You?

• I love You.  Not nearly as much as I should.  Not as deeply, not as fully, not as consistently as I should.  But on some selfish, conditional level, I do love You!
• I want to love You more.  I want to be able to lose everything and everyone in my life and still be content simply because I have You.  I want to know that no matter what, I'll stick with You because I love You.
• I know You love me.  Oh, You love me more than I can ever know!  You died so I could live!  You said Yourself that there is no greater love than that.  So it must hurt You when I disregard You and Your commands.  I don't want to hurt you.
• I want to be a better person.  I want to be wiser, kinder, more sincere, more generous, more loving, more patient, more knowledgeable of You.  I want to be everything You made me to be!  I want to be like You!
• I want to be able to serve.  I don't want to be caught unprepared when I come across someone in need.  I want to be ready help anyone I meet.
• I want to be fulfilled.  You put me here for a reason, and I want to know what that reason is.  But how can I know that without giving You the chance to show me?  And how can I possibly be fulfilled in life if I don't do that which I was designed for?

Dear friends, this will be my motivation to stay on top of things spiritually.  I hope it will, anyway.

God help.

Currently Listening Moulin Rouge By Various Artists I saw this movie the other day. It's SO GOOD! see related

Wow, I feel bad.  I spilled the beans.  Let the cat out of the bagel, if you will.  Man.  It's rough not getting it when people try to tell you stuff (i.e., that the thing is a surprise, so shut up...).

Check out the fun cadence in this random statement:
He's got no problem if she's got no problem, as long as it's a one day trip. 
Say that aloud.  Isn't it fun?  Nearly as fun as "Ozzy isn't on it, is he?"  ^_^

I want a box of 10 18" crayons.  Crayola crayons, too, because they're better.  I discussed the probability of making such with a friend of mine recently: 

[22:51:27] Cadsmack: *sigh* politics
[22:52:10] Mercury Wannabe: to take your mind off it... i want a box of 10 18-inch crayola crayons
[22:52:28] Mercury Wannabe: wouldn't that be great?!
[22:52:38] Cadsmack: hehe
[22:52:43] Cadsmack: the thought of that does lift my mood
[22:52:59] Mercury Wannabe: sharpener included
.................
[22:54:28] Cadsmack: you're creating monsters :)
[22:54:41] Cadsmack: hmm
[22:54:46] Cadsmack: I could machine a mold
[22:54:54] Cadsmack: for these crayons
[22:54:58] Mercury Wannabe: monsters, eh?
[22:55:09] Mercury Wannabe: i wonder how many it would take
[22:55:21] Mercury Wannabe: ooh... we can deduce that mathematically!
[22:55:22] Cadsmack: you could beat someone with these crayons :)
[22:55:42] Cadsmack: do you _really_ want to do that?
[22:56:00] Cadsmack: hmm
[22:56:05] Cadsmack: gonna humour myself and do it
............
[23:06:19] Cadsmack: http://shrabster.ath.cx/HyperCrayon.jpg
[23:06:29] Cadsmack: that volume is in cubic inches...
[23:07:04] Cadsmack: monstrous :)
[23:07:36] Mercury Wannabe: wow... what's the volume of a regular crayon?
[23:07:53] Mercury Wannabe: lets get a graduated cylinder...
[23:08:43] Cadsmack: messy :)
[23:09:00] Cadsmack: but I like that you'd go there
[23:09:26] Mercury Wannabe: easier than taking the radius of the crayon and two diff  formulas
..............
[23:43:55] Cadsmack: anyhoo
[23:44:02] Cadsmack: how did this day find you?
[23:44:12] Mercury Wannabe: it found me thinking of crayons
[23:44:42] Cadsmack: hehe
[23:44:57] Cadsmack: this would be an extremely dorky thing to do
[23:45:06] Mercury Wannabe: muahahahaha
[23:45:08] Cadsmack: build scale models of crayons in wax
[23:45:23] Mercury Wannabe: ooh, scale!  i didn't think of that!
[23:45:28] Cadsmack: are you prepared
[23:45:38] Cadsmack: to jump off that deep end?
[23:46:17] Cadsmack: hehe, 600% scale set of crayona crayons
[23:46:27] Cadsmack: can't voilate the copyright
[23:46:39] Mercury Wannabe: oh wait... how will we make the sharpener?!
[23:47:13] Cadsmack: we would machine it out of a solid block of steel
[23:47:48] Mercury Wannabe: that would be heavy
[23:48:03] Cadsmack: gonna knock together a 3d model and send it to the machine shop for a quote in the morning
[23:48:17] Cadsmack: won't cost more than a couple thou
[23:48:21] Mercury Wannabe: O_O
[23:48:24] Cadsmack: hehehe
[23:48:40] Cadsmack: maybe we won't make a sharpener :D
[23:48:58] Mercury Wannabe: **digs out ruler and crayon**
...............
[23:49:57] Mercury Wannabe: d=3/16 in
[23:50:06] Mercury Wannabe: dah, 5/16
[23:50:09] Mercury Wannabe: english
[23:51:05] Cadsmack: 0.0625 * 3 = 0.1875"
[23:51:11] Cadsmack: d'oh
[23:51:32] Cadsmack: 0.0625 * 5 = 0.3125
[23:51:54] Cadsmack: length?
[23:52:14] Mercury Wannabe: darnit!  i lost my crayon!  one sec...
[23:52:38] Cadsmack: devious little thing..
[23:52:51] Mercury Wannabe: oh, look!  the fork i lost earlier today!
[23:53:32] Mercury Wannabe: l(cyl)=3.25"
[23:54:50] Mercury Wannabe: l(cone)=13/32"
[23:56:00] Mercury Wannabe: aii... d(cone base)=.25"
[23:56:30] Mercury Wannabe: d(cone tip)=3/32"
[23:57:02] Cadsmack: tooo lazy to calculate the volume including the conic frustrum part
[23:57:16] Cadsmack: jusst want to get a ballpark figure of how many crayons we'd have to melt...
[23:57:18] Mercury Wannabe: frustrum?  is that what that's called?
[23:57:40] Cadsmack: yeah a cone cut off before the tip
[23:57:54] Mercury Wannabe: well, the vol of a cone is 1/3 the vol of a cylinder of the same height
[23:58:19] Cadsmack: not so for conic frustrums I'm afraid
[23:58:30] Mercury Wannabe: roundabout?
[23:59:23] Mercury Wannabe: wouldn't it just be the diff of the vol of the imaginary tip and the whole?
[00:00:34] Cadsmack: I forgot the formula and in any case it would take ~~ 534 crayons
[00:00:40] Cadsmack: for one
[00:01:07] Mercury Wannabe: O_O
[00:01:19] Mercury Wannabe: and a 10-pack of crayons costs how much?
[00:01:21] Cadsmack: what you say about the frustrum is correct
[00:02:12] Cadsmack: I think this is where the calculations end unfortunately :(
[00:02:26] Cadsmack: feasiblity analysis reveals bleh
[00:02:43] Cadsmack: wait
[00:02:50] Cadsmack: hmmm
[00:02:56] Cadsmack: _hollow_ crayons
[00:04:06] Mercury Wannabe: with a solid tip to allow drawing
[00:04:43] Mercury Wannabe: hey!  one MULTICOLOR CRAYON!
[00:04:48] Cadsmack: box of 8 crayons costs 78 cents
[00:05:36] Cadsmack: divide 550 by 2^3 then multiply by 78 in that case
[00:06:11] Cadsmack: 0.78*
[00:06:15] Cadsmack: only 53 dollars
..............
[00:09:35] Cadsmack: ok, for 53 dollars you can have enough wax to build a crayon that you could use to brain your sister into unconsciousness, if you so wished :D
[00:10:01] Mercury Wannabe: hee hee
[00:10:07] Mercury Wannabe:  that wouldn't be nice, though
[00:10:27] Mercury Wannabe: and it would not make my victim happy, as so large a crayon would
[00:10:33] Cadsmack: surely not
[00:10:42] Mercury Wannabe: *should
[00:10:49] Mercury Wannabe: *as so large a crayon should
[00:11:08] Mercury Wannabe: we'll get it out right eventually ^_^
.............
[00:13:20] Cadsmack: hehe, little billy captures his family in a crayola masterpiece... his father is not happy, billy has artfully and precisely rendered his father's large gut
[00:13:33] Cadsmack: see, crayons can make people unhappy
[00:13:52] Mercury Wannabe: ^_^
[00:14:03] Mercury Wannabe: rather, the thought or sight of such a crayon should make people happy
[00:14:27] Mercury Wannabe: that's funny!

Aren't late-night IMs great?  I quite enjoy them. ^_^

"For thus says the LORD: After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place.  For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the LORD, And I will bring you back from your captivity..."

Currently Listening Lucky Water By Third Person Just an Appropriate Band... see related

Jennifer is so happy! 

Jennifer is so very very really truly uber happy! 

Why is Jennifer happy?  Because she has finished all her high school stuff!  She is free!  For the first time in four years she has NO SCHOOLWORK TO DO!  How cool is that?!  Cool beyond imaginable coolness!  YAY!

Because Jennifer is so happy, she also wants to do something tomorrow.  She doesn't know what, as she has no money to go somewhere, but still, she wants to do something.  She would have liked to go see Howl's Moving Castle, but when she saw that the nearest theater playing it was in South Carolina, she pretty much gave up on that idea.  Perhaps she shall watch Fantasia, which her cousin so kindly lent her.  And perhaps she will see if her Posse is up to anything tomorrow.  Jennifer has a really cool Posse. ^_^

Today was Homecoming, and Homecoming was good.

If I have not mentioned it before, Homecoming is the day when all the former members come back to church and we have food and singing and much fun.  Lots of people sang today.  Vivian and her dad got to come (yay!) and Vivian sang  "Hear My Cry" and "El Shaddai," both of which were lovely.  A couple other ladies and a pair of gents sang as well.  The highlight was probably Sophie, at the tender age of two, singing "Jesus Loves Me."  That was SO cute!  We played with what is generally accepted as the world's most adorable baby, Kensie (short for Kensington...what a name!).  She has some amazing cheeks on her, with a dimple that can't decide if it wants to be or not.  And so good-natured a baby!  She liked Vivian (and her necklace ^_^).

Today I've been listening to a recording of a song we did years ago when we had a children's choir.  It's such a fun song!  It's about Noah building the ark and how people must've thought he was insane since it had never rained before.  The lyrics are as follows:

They thought he was a man possessed; 

a maniac at best, building an ark, fifty feet tall

 in a land where rain had  yet to fall. 

Goin' on about a flood;

the whole world turned to mud.

 Poor old fool, something went wrong;

working in the summer sun a bit too long!

They said "Noah, oh, where ya gonna go

in the middle of the desert with a giant boat?  Noah, oh, open up your ears. 

It's never gonna happen  in  a hundred years,

 no matter what you say, Noah, no way!"

They'll do the same to you say you're crazy, too, giving your life, building a

dream

for a God no one has ever seen. 

But don't give up the ship; the rain is coming yet.  You're not the first,

standing alone.

Remember what those people said so long ago.

They said "Noah, oh, where ya gonna go

 in the middle of the desert with a giant boat?

 Noah, oh, open up your ears.

 It's never gonna happen  in  a hundred years,

no matter what you say, Noah, no way!"

But the rain      came        down          

(But the rain came down)

and the floods rose up, and the word of God proved him true enough!

So it may take time, and it will take faith, but the one who stands is the one

who will be saved!

"Noah, oh, where ya gonna go

 in the middle of the desert with a giant boat?

 Noah, oh, open up your ears.

 It's never gonna happen  in  a hundred years,

no matter what you say, Noah, no Noah, no, oh

Noah, oh, where ya gonna go

 in the middle of the desert with a giant boat?

 Noah, oh, open up your ears.

 It's never gonna happen  in  a hundred years,

no matter what you say, Noah, no way!"

That's such a fun song!  I love it.  I wish I knew what it's called and who sings it.  My cassette is not good.  ~~O_O~~